Today is day one of turning off my ADHD or at the very least trying to treat/handle my ADHD with the help of prescribed medication. Today has been a strange kind of day. I woke up this morning with my doctor’s appointment running through my head, feeling like it was Christmas. I was excited and couldn’t wait to see them finally and get something done about a condition that I’ve lived with for 30+ years. Leading up to today, I was filled with optimism, skepticism, and worry about costs and the effect the visit would have on me. I was given advice and shown concern for going into the meeting, and now I wonder what my life will be like moving forward. I’m hoping that documenting my journey will enlighten not only myself but also everyone around me on what kind of results will come about while taking medication for, as an adult, ADHD.

First off, let me say that my family and I have done our research on taking medication. My parents, being cautious people, were skeptical about my choice of seeking medical help with the condition that I’ve, for the most part, adapted to as one would over the years. They looked up alternative solutions and remedies, asked me why I felt the need to work on it now, expressed their justifiable concern about taking controlled substances as a remedy. In the end, they knew they did not fully understand what I was going through but wanted to support me as best as they could and wanted me to have as many other options and opportunities as possible. Some would call what they did nagging, and honestly, I agree, but they do so from a good and loving place, and they will always respect my final choice in the way I live my life.

I have tried many other methods and remedies to understand/suppress my ADHD. Growing up, no one told me I had ADHD/ADD or what it even was. Teachers said that I didn’t listen, I was clever but needed to pay attention, I needed to stop moving around so much and stay still, and so growing up, I thought that I just had a short attention span and that I had to try harder. That’s what I did; I tried harder, I searched harder for reasons/excuses as to what kind of learner I was. I only took classes that I thought I could pay attention to because they interested me but maybe didn’t help me get a degree. I even apologized to teachers whose subject I loved, but when I sat down for lectures, I would start to nod off despite not being sleepy at all, chalking it up to a “late” class and (non-existent) heavy workload.

When I learned and looked into ADHD/ADD and discovered it was a thing, I said that’s what I had but could never prove it because I was never officially diagnosed with it. There were days that I questioned whether I had it because I never saw a doctor about it, and I thought that since I coasted through high school and most of college, I didn’t need to see anyone. That’s just how I lived my life. I’ve only worked retail jobs since I was in college because that was the only job I felt I could be good at since it requires my attention to be in several different places at once. As a result, I’ve been working in the retail industry for upwards of 15+ years, and anytime I try to figure out what I want to do as a career, my fear of whether I could do a good job or not since I get so distracted so easily steered right back into retail.

I took my first acting class in college, and I immediately fell in love with it because my attention span wasn’t struggling to focus on one thing. After all, there were several things I needed to remember and focus on while both on stage and backstage. That was a time that I felt like I could do something for the rest of my life and I would be okay at it, and that was when I acted. I would love to get back into it. Still, now that I’m older and have far more responsibilities and obligations, I need to have a solid career and financial situation to fall back on, knowing that acting isn’t a steady job right out the gate. Debating between what I used to love doing and what I’m doing now is where my struggles and stress turned up a notch.

Over the last couple of years, with the pandemic going on, remote jobs taking the forefront of how many companies conduct business, and far more opportunities to get out of retail popping up, I thought now would be my time to start something new. The problem was that I knew myself, and I knew that if I tried to work from home, I would not be able to provide adequate-above average work for any company because I would easily get distracted being in my home setting. I tried following the advice of other people, adjusting to working from home and dressed like I was going to work, setting aside space at home as a “work only” area, and even set timers as clocking in and out of work, but nothing seemed to stick for very long. My brain would sooner or later say, “this is boring,” “This is too much hassle today do it tomorrow instead,” “We didn’t do this yesterday. Let’s ignore it today also.” My brain became my worst enemy very quickly, and I spiraled into a very dark place.

I thought I would never find a career or job outside of retail and that I could never enjoy the things I love. All because I could never have enough time for them since I had to work harder to make enough money to afford to survive instead of affording to live. I believe that was the final straw for me. When I imagined that I would not be able to do anything else except work in a mall somewhere for the rest of my life, I broke down in front of my computer at home alone.

I am not saying that working in a mall or retail is an unworthy career choice to anyone reading this. It can be a great starting point with ample opportunities to move forwards and upwards in life with the right company, a boss who wants to see you succeed, and encouraging co-workers — all of which I’ve found at several jobs throughout my retail career. I am saying that I do not want to keep working the same job well into my adult years without seeing any growth in both myself as a person and professionally. After a detailed examination of what brought me to this point and what I found to be my biggest obstacle, I decided upon getting an official diagnosis and, in the process, medication should it be deemed necessary.

I don’t know where or how to end this first entry. I will leave everyone with my thoughts on writing down my experience today. I haven’t felt this level of clarity and concentration in years. The last time I felt like this was when I was acting and on stage. I could write all day, step away, and come back to this level of concentration without having to break down a wall to get here. It feels like there is no wall, and someone installed an archway that I could easily pass through if I wanted. I don’t know if medication is for everyone, I don’t know what you might be going through yourself, but if you think you are dealing with ADHD/ADD, if you feel you are struggling through life, don’t leave it alone and make excuses for your lack of direction. You don’t need to stress yourself out and cope with a lack of concentration. Talk to your doctor, confront your concerns head-on, and find a path through your walls.